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I have one child and her name is Grace. Unfortunately, I have not had the opportunity to be her mom and share in her life because she was stillborn two-and-a-half years ago.
Processing my grief has taken a lot of time and energy and it has had many stages, but now I am doing okay. I will probably always grieve the death of my baby girl, at least until I am reunited with her in heaven. In the meantime, I am so grateful for the blessings of my supportive friends and incredible husband. They are a huge source of strength and provide me with moments of renewed joy, which is a delightful reprieve in the midst of the grief journey.
Along the way, I have learned to successfully meet two challenges in order to reach the other side of grief. If you are facing your own loss and grief issues, you may also need to successfully meet these challenges.
Challenge Number 1: “The Question”
Ever been to a reunion, graduation, wedding, or special gathering and run into people whom you haven’t seen in ages? Suddenly, you are faced with answering “The Question.” “The Question” can come at various times and in various ways, but it usually comes down to something like: "So, do you have kids? How many children do you have? How big is your family? How old are your children?”
If you are a bereaved parent like me, you may often find yourself stumped for words and in a quandary as to how to answer such questions. You may have even avoided certain events because you don’t feel up to dealing with interactions that involve “The Question.”
These days, I am strong enough to be totally honest with the person asking me such questions. I usually respond with: “Yes, I have one child and her name is Grace. Unfortunately, I have not had the opportunity to be her mom and share in her life because she was stillborn two-and-a-half years ago.” I haven’t always been that strong, and there were numerous moments when answering “The Question” was a struggle. On occasion, I have replied with, “No, I don’t have any children,” and then I would change the subject. Later, I would feel horrible for denying my baby ever lived or existed.
On the other hand, to simply say, “No, I don’t have any children,” has saved the other person and me from experiencing an awkward moment. It also saved me from having to dodge the verbal bullets the other person may have inadvertently fired as she attempted to minimize this rather troubling information she had just received.
People often have the best of intentions, but when the conversation turns to unfamiliar topics, they often use spiritual platitudes to fill that awkward moment of silence. They might say, “God must have wanted your daughter to be a beautiful flower for His Heavenly garden,” or some such nonsense. Then I must field their comments and find a way to not let the words disrupt the progress I have made emotionally.
How should you answer “The Question”? Each of us must determine for ourselves the best way to handle these encounters in a way that hurts us the least. Factors that will help us determine how we answer include how well we know the other person, how strong we are at the moment, and how much time we have to spend on this particular conversation.
I recommend after each encounter with “The Question” that ends uncomfortably, that you spend some time debriefing, either with a good friend, in your journal, or in prayer. This can help you process and move through and beyond that situation, and even find peace and forgiveness after that uncomfortable encounter.
Challenge Number 2: The dial on other people’s “Grief-O-Meter”
There is another question that bereaved parents are commonly asked in our culture. It comes from what I call the Grief-O-Meter. Perhaps you have felt someone pointing his or her Grief-O-Meter at you. It mysteriously sizes you up, based on your type of loss (ectopic, miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, etc), then subtracts the length of time since your loss, and then calculates a specific timetable for you to grieve.
The person asking the question may even be bold enough to let you know what her Grief-O-Meter is set at, and what her calculations have come to. She may share with you the acceptable length of time she thinks you should allot for your grief…informing you that beyond that point, she will get upset with or grow tired of you. You will be asked to accept and adjust your life to another’s Grief-O-Meter reading and provide that person with proof that you have moved on.
You may hear such comments as:
- So, when are you going to get over this (it) and move on?
- It has been three weeks (three months or three years), and my Grief-O-Meter tells me that you should be done with all this boo-hooing and depression by now.
- Snap out of it, and move on.
- Just have more babies.
- Adopt. Give up the idea of more kids.
- Just throw yourself into other things or pick up a hobby.
- Get your doctor to give you some happy drugs.
- Go on a vacation and come back like your old self (or at least act like you have it all together so from the outside it appears you have accepted everything and moved past your grief).
Translation: Your grief is making me uncomfortable, and I would personally feel better if you would kindly move on with your life, so we can go back to “normal.” I miss the old you, and I am not willing or prepared to deal with your sadness for an extended period of time.
If the person pointing his or her Grief-O-Meter at you is your spouse, there will likely be very rough waters ahead. You might need to call in the coast guard (loving and understanding friends, counselors, a pastor, etc.) for assistance so you can keep your marriage afloat. You may be at a critical point where the rocks below (misunderstandings, hurtful words, etc.) have damaged your boat. Before they pierce too deeply and cause your marriage to sink, you will need to find a lighthouse to guide you through the storm and help point you in the direction of smoother waters.
After starting the Missing GRACE Organization, I began to receive hundreds of e-mails and calls each week from folks around the world who had experienced all kinds of grief, including pregnancy and infant loss to the heartache of infertility and failed adoptions. It was amazing to hear from couples who were 10, 15, and 20 years down the road in their grief. I asked what brought them to contact us at this particular time in their lives.
Each person shared that he or she had never really gotten over “it” or forgotten. They felt forced to quickly deal with their situation and move on with their lives. Now, years later, they are finally getting in touch with how their grief has affected their lives. Many have shared that they ended up divorced, or addicted to medications or other habit-forming drugs. They admitted that their hearts still were aching, but after reaching out to God, to others who understand, or to find professional help, they are finally feeling a sense of healing and peace in their lives. Grieving has no set timetable. It is important to protect your right to grieve and give yourself ample time to walk through the stages of grief. You will be much healthier and stronger for it in the long run.
There is a truth we can hold onto in this journey…this world is not the finish line, and we do have a promise from God of a future with no more tears and no more pain. Until then, we must be gentle with ourselves and with others, and give each other some grace and room to grieve…and be mindful to turn off our Grief-O-Meters.
by Candy McVicar
Candy is the Founder and Executive Director of the Missing GRACE Organization, which provides support and resources for people who are faced with infertility, pregnancy and infant loss, and decisions about adoption. Missing GRACE helps families on their journey as they Grieve, Restore, Arise, Commemorate & Educate. They sponsor an annual “On the Journey ~ GRACE Conference” for bereaved, infertile, and adopting couples. The next conference will be held on April 22 and 23, 2005, in Minneapolis, Minnesota. For more information, visit www.MissingGRACE.org
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