Practical Advice for Infertile Couples

by Marnie Deaton

The following advice may spare you some of the heartache we endured. As you realize that childbearing might not be as easy for you as it is for other couples, you would be wise to do some planning to protect yourselves.

1 Decide together who are the “safe” people in your circle with whom you can share your struggle. I made the huge mistake of asking for prayer during a church service. We truly appreciated people’s prayers, but some people in the congregation could not see us again without inquiring about our infertility. Each week they offered to pray for us, but in retrospect, it would have been better if we had selected a few people to ask for prayer.

2 Decide together how you will answer the question, “So, why don’t you have any children yet?” Only God knows why people ask this, but they do and you have to be prepared for it. This question will hit you like a bus if you don’t expect it and don’t have a clear, well-thought-out answer in mind--an answer which, incidentally, is nearly impossible to find. I had the best results by simply saying, “Unfortunately, we have not been blessed with children.”

3 On that note, realize that you are going to have numerous chances to forgive people in the days ahead. People will tell you to “just relax,” to gain or lose weight, to eat certain foods, and they may even joke that you and your husband must not “know what you are doing.” They may pat your stomach and say they are praying for you. They may offer unsolicited advice. How should you deal with such people? I tried revenge, stewing, and bitterness, but the best response is forgiveness.

4 Consider not attending church on Mother’s and Father’s Days. One year, we accidentally attended church on Father’s Day. To begin the service, our pastor invited all the fathers to stand. I will never forget my husband’s expression as he looked at the floor while all the men around him stood up. It was one of the worst moments of my life, and I cried buckets of tears for the rest of the service.

5 Find another infertile friend to confide in and support. No one can understand how painful infertility is unless they have been through it. If you are unaware of other infertile couples, you may consider finding a friend on the Internet. Trying to explain your situation to parents of growing families will only result in frustration.

6 Find other childless couples to have fun with. If you can’t find other infertile couples, find some empty nesters or get involved in a youth group. In other words, find other people who are not parents to spend time with. If everyone in your church has children, find a new church. We should have done this. There were no young, childless couples in our church and Sundays were nearly unbearable. Looking back, I shouldn’t have put myself through that. Sunday became an exercise in endurance rather than a time to worship.

7 Think of yourselves as a complete family unit. I learned toward the end of our infertility journey that God called creation “good” after Adam and Eve met and before they had children. It helped me to remember that God thought of our marriage as good and complete, even without children.

8 Realize that true legacy lies in passing on your values, love for God, and upright character, not your genes.

9 Remind yourself that, though infertility brings with it nearly unendurable pain, yours is not the worst situation in the world. As difficult as it is to face each day with empty arms, consider how painful it would be for a small child to go to bed alone each night without a parent to tuck him in, to watch over him, and to help him make it through the coming days. When I learned that thousands of children around the world were available for adoption, I began to count my blessings. I thank God each day for my parents.