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When a Husband Hurts
Rev. Burton F. Wilbur, Jr
It is not a question of whether or not you’re a father. By God’s grace, for a short time, you were given a gift more precious than the world seems able to comprehend -- the gift of an unborn child. You are the father of a child whose age has been measured in weeks, months, or trimesters -- not years. Even though you knew this child for a brief time, you have loved with a kind of love you have never known before.
I know, because I’m a father of two such children. I’ve walked the halls of the hospital, and I’ve cried the tears of losing two precious children I have never seen. Yet, Christ has not lost them and heaven cares for them. Someday, when this journey is through and my task on earth is done, I will walk with them in Glory. The Bible tells me God is just and our just God loves His children.
It’s not easy to bear the loss of a child by miscarriage. No man who loves his wife and his unborn child can be untouched emotionally and spiritually during this time. The pain comes from all directions. It comes from phrases that are meant to help, but only sound hollow to our hurting hearts. “ These things are for the best!” “You can always try again!” “I’m sorry your wife lost her baby!”
There is also the pain of being caught between our own sorrow and caring for our wives. After all, husbands are supposed to be strong and supportive. Yet, our own hearts are broken, our minds are spinning, and our trust in God is being tested beyond our faith.
For fathers of invisible children, the pain at some point often turns to anger and tears. We may come to the point of wanting to shout, but most of us don’t. We want to say, “It is not a thing or a fetus we lost, it’ ;s our baby! It’s not about trying again, it’s about the loss we feel -- NOW!” We want to shake our finger at miserable comforters and scream in their faces, “Don’t you get it?! SHE did not lose a baby -- WE did!” We may even want to direct some pointed questions toward God: “ Dear God, why us? We wanted this child, we loved this child -- why couldn’ t this child live?”
If anyone reading these lines has felt these emotions, then be assured you are not alone and you are normal.
Is there help and hope for husbands who are hurting and feeling helpless? Here are some truths that I have learned from dealing with this time of loss.
Recovery from a loss takes time. We want a God who acts fast to bring us comfort and make everything right. God doesn’t usually operate that way. He promised that “All things work together for good to those who love God” (Romans 8:28 NKJV), but He doesn’t promise that it will happen right away. If your pain seems too deep for you to bear, there is help for you from your pastor, support groups, or from your physician. If you and your wife need help, please ask for the help you need. Getting help makes us more the men God wants us to be, not less.
Remember: We are not God. As husbands, we may sense how deeply our wives are hurting over the loss, and we may think it is our duty to be a tower of strength. Perhaps we feel that any display of weakness or sorrow on our part will only add to her grief. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Indeed, if our wives sense that our losses don’t affect us, that only isolates them in their grief. We husbands do not have to be towers of strength. That’s God’s job. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1 KJV). It is not unmanly to cry with her; it is a caring and loving thing to do.
Acknowledge gender differences in facing grief. God has made men and women with some obvious and some not-so-obvious differences. One of those differences is that men and women do not necessarily grieve in the same way. Men often choose to close down; women generally choose to open up. Remember, it is normal for women to talk their way through loss and suffering. Studies show that verbalization often helps women cope with stress and can even lower their blood pressure. At some point, your wife will likely want to talk her way through this loss. Every moment of the pregnancy will be up for grabs, and she may be looking for one major mistake. You, being a man, may want to avoid these conversations. If you want to keep your marriage healthy and help your wife recover, you must give her opportunity to express her grief and loss. On the other hand, she must acknowledge that you may not be as verbal and that it’ ;s stressful for you to talk about it all the time.
Never forget that you are in this together. Your wife needs to know that you love her, that she did not fail you, and that you hurt too. If you try to hide a part of your pain, your wife will see it. Sooner or later it will have to be shared in order for you to heal.
For me, it was being in the room while the doctor was examining my wife. At one point he took a tiny bit of tissue and threw it away in a shiny steel bucket. Only later did I realize that this was “our baby.” It haunted me to think that “our baby” was thrown in the trash. In order to stop the hurt and begin the healing, a haunting memory needs to be shared with someone who cares.
You and your spouse will be blessed when together you share your loss, together you mourn the loss of your child, together you face the future, and together, you look to God.
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