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Oh, how good it feels when, to my amazement, I learn that I'm expecting my second child. I vow to take good care of myself. No longer do I have to look at all those pregnant women with longing. I'm one of them!
And then I wake up and find out that this was only a dream.
The same old feelings of anger, futility, depression, and hopelessness wash over me, just as they do when I begin my period every month. I realize that, in my particular financial and family situation, medical treatments are inaccessible and adoption isn't an option. Why can't I take what seems to be your firm "No!" for an answer?
As you know, my family opposes my desire for more children, even though my medical condition is under control. My doctors refuse to support me in pursuing pregnancy. Period. And my insurance doesn't cover infertility. It seems that trying to have a child falls into the class of optional "cosmetic surgery."
Will I ever get used to my precious Hannah being my only child? Will I get used to seeing all of those pregnancy women with one or more children? Where are the one-child families? I have yet to find them at church, in my neighborhood, or at the grocery store. Will I ever stop hurting?
I tell myself that you won't give us more children because of my age, our family situation, our finances, and my health issues. Yet I know you often give two or more children to people dealing with these things, as well as to abusive and neglectful parents. My husband may be able to adjust to a single-child family, but it will be difficult for me.
Please deliver me from this nonstop yearning. Help me as I grieve for the large, stable, Christian family I will never have. In its place, please give me more of you, and, in other ways, fill my life with blessings. I put this matter in your hands, for I know that you can do miracles and that your plan is for our good.
Your child,
Lisa
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