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So, when are you going to have another one?
It’s about time for Ben to have a brother or sister, isn’t it?
Everyone around here (at this church) gets pregnant—it’s something in the water.
Well, I wish we could have had a spring baby instead of the fall.
Oh, just thought you’d want to know, your cousin is pregnant again.
You need to stop trying so hard—just relax and you’ll get pregnant. We plan to be pregnant again and have our third child by then.
Count your blessings! You should be thankful for all that you have.
These are all statements that I have heard from friends and family in the past six months. Although none of these things was said with the intention of being hurtful, the comments tend to persist in my mind as I endure yet another month on the emotional roller coaster.
I still remember when I first became acquainted with the term of “Secondary Infertility.” My husband and I traveled to Grand Rapids, Michigan, to the Stepping Stones Infertility Conference in May 2000. During that conference, one of the breakout discussion sessions was entitled, “Secondary Infertility.” I can still recall my own thoughts clearly. Why were these people unhappy? God had already blessed them with one child, and now they want another? If they had one child then they could easily choose to adopt another. I can’t even, and maybe never will, have one child.
But after five years of infertility treatments, including two surgeries for endometriosis and several induction cycles with shots—we amazingly became pregnant. My pregnancy turned out to be one of the most difficult physical and emotional battles of my life—as we encountered placenta previa, life-threatening bleeding, complete bed rest, several hospitalizations, an emergency C-section, and the birth of a four pound premature baby at 32 weeks. However, none of this seems relevant today as I enjoy talking with my beautiful two-year-old and treasuring many wonderful times with him. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
In the back of my mind, though, once I had a baby, I didn’t see myself as “infertile” anymore. I had joined the ranks of motherhood. I did not have to be sad every time I saw another pregnant woman or a baby. I did not have to dread Mother’s Day. Likewise, I thought that if I were able to get pregnant once, it would be easier the second time.
After 18 months of trying to become pregnant a second time (including surgery and IVF cycles), this has not been the case. As my biological clock continues to tick and my hope diminishes daily, I am starting to accept the reality that I am not going to be able to have another baby. I look around me and see families with two, three, four, and more kids—and wonder why God has not answered my pleas to have another child. It all seems so unfair. Of course, I have days when I am stronger and ready to face the world. But, often, I feel defeated because God has not granted the desires of my heart.
So, what can I do to get out of the rut of misery and despair? I first need to recognize that the journey I am on is different from that of other people. God has not promised us that we will obtain everything that we want; he promised that he would be with us through the darkness. My struggles and experiences are unique to me, and others face painful battles and losses in their lives as well. God is not punishing me for anything that I have done (or not done). In this imperfect world, there are physical infirmities that have direct consequences on our bodies; and medical science is unable to fix every problem (though we often expect it to). Some of the avenues that I have found helpful along the way include:
1. Talk about your feelings. You don’t need to tell every person that you meet your entire story. But, through the help of a few close friends and family, you can express your anger and frustration, and then know that you will be supported with love and prayer along the journey.
2. Be honest with people. When people ask me if we are going to have another child, I will often say, “Yes, we would really like to have another baby, but Ben’s birth was a miracle, and we don’t know if it will be possible to have another child or not.” This usually quells the inquiries, as someone knows she/he is treading on painful ground.
3. Focus on the needs of others. Our empathy for others on the infertility journey has expanded our horizons for ministry. We have met other couples encountering similar frustrations who want to talk. Try to focus on others whom you can encourage and lift up in prayer.
4. Be present for your child. We have been given an awesome responsibility in raising this child entrusted to us. We need to be available to meet his needs and not be completely preoccupied with trying to have another baby.
5. Consider the needs of your spouse. Since we have had Ben, my husband is content and would like to close this chapter of our lives. He needs closure on fertility treatments. I, on the other hand, have a maternal drive that pushes my desire to have another child. Secondary infertility has been more painful and disappointing for me. Since these goals are obviously very different, we need to come to a compromise with which we can both live.
6. Communicate your needs to your spouse. As noted above, you may be dealing with things quite differently than your spouse. Try to express your feelings so that your spouse knows how to best support you during this process. Your marriage can be strengthened as you work through this struggle together.
7. Be open to other ways to grow your family. Adoption is always an option for couples facing secondary infertility. Adoption is a very personal decision that is not right for every couple. However, many complete families include both biological and adopted children.
8. Accept that you may be a family of three. Although our prior expectations often drive us to discontentment, we need to realize that there are many happy families of three in this world. Only children have many advantages and often grow up to be socially and academically ahead of their peers.
9. Pray regularly. God’s strength shows up best in weak people - where they are most vulnerable. After the disappointment of another failed cycle, I cried out a simple prayer repeatedly, “Lord, take away my anger and bitterness.” I am still working on this, but I know that God is gradually changing my heart … and I recently was able to see a pregnant patient and feel joy for her. This would not be possible without God’s help.
10. Seek professional guidance. If you are overwhelmed in a downward cycle of despair or think that depression may be setting in, you should talk to your doctor and a professional counselor. The emotional roller coaster of infertility is a major stress for individuals and marriages, and you may need some extra help along the way.
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