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Infertility and Anger
Travelers on the journey of infertility soon discover an unwelcome companion. His name is Anger. Sooner or later, each of us must learn to deal with this uninvited, unpredictable guest who seriously makes an impact on our lives and our relationships.
When he shows up, his influence can cause us to lash out in any direction. We may become angry with our physician: “He’s so insensitive, so incompetent, so expensive.” Or we become angry with a spouse: “Why can’t you come with me to the next doctor’s appointment? I always go alone!” We can even become angry with God: “I’m kind of angry with God right now. Why does He give me the desire to have a baby, and then not allow me to fulfill that desire? I feel cursed, crushed, and forgotten.” Another person sadly admits, “It’s hard to pray. I never anticipated such a huge crisis of my faith. I knew my soul would be crushed when we lost our baby, but I am beginning to feel as if He has left me.”
It would be easy for me to give a Pollyanna perspective on anger and suggest to you that if you really loved Jesus, and trusted in him, you would never get angry. But I believe that such an approach is neither helpful nor biblical. Without suggesting that I have all the answers on handling anger, here are some lessons that I have learned along the way. I invite you to ponder these points as you interact with this dangerous stranger we know as Anger.
Dealing with A Dangerous Emotion
Please remember that anger is not always sinful. Jesus Himself became angry on occasion (see Mark 11:15-17), and He remained sinless. The Bible implies that Christians can become angry without sinning. Ephesians 4:26 says: “In your anger, do not sin” (NIV). Please notice, this verse doesn’t say, “Don’t ever get angry with anyone.” Rather, this verse suggests that we will get angry at times, but when that happens, we must not let our anger lead to sin. In this imperfect, fallen world, those around us can sometimes make us angry—even those who love us deeply! If your husband never has time to accompany you to a doctor’s appointment, but always manages to find time for eighteen holes of golf, you will likely become angry. If your wife has agreed to the Twenty-Minute Rule (the rule that says you will spend no more than twenty minutes a day discussing infertility so that this subject does not dominate your life), but is constantly bringing up infertility-related issues, you will probably become angry.
When we become angry with another person,
I believe the healthiest approach is to calmly, simply,
and clearly tell the other person that you are angry,
and let the person know why you are feeling that way.
It is usually best not to respond immediately. Responding immediately can often be destructive! Walk away. Spend a few moments praying for wisdom. Think of ways to express your feelings that will not lead to escalation but to resolution. For example, consider the “sandwich method” of expressing your feelings. In the “sandwich method,” you begin by genuinely complimenting the other person on something he or she has done that pleases you, then you address the issue that concerns you, and at the end of your conversation, you reaffirm the compliment with which you began. Your anger is “sandwiched” between two compliments.
We must stay in control of our anger, rather than allow it to control us. Anger, by its very nature, wants to be undisciplined and uncontrolled. Like a raging river at flood stage, anger does not want to be restricted by any banks or boundaries; it wants free reign to lash out however it sees fit. We can become angry without sinning, but if we lose control of our anger, we will sin! Lashing out with comments designed to be hurtful not helpful, physically striking or attacking the other person, or bringing up past and unrelated hurts, are examples of losing control of our anger.
When we have said what needs to be said, it is important to “get over it and move on.” The same Bible verse that implies that anger may be a legitimate emotion, on certain occasions, is quick to say, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Eph. 4:26-27 NIV). Don’t dwell on your anger!
If you ever become angry with God, don’t despair! Please remember that some of the greatest men and women of the Bible also became angry at times. Consider Moses. God had promised Moses that the children of Israel would be freed from Egypt. But when Moses went to Pharaoh to declare, “Let my people go,” Pharaoh laughed in his face and ordered the Israelites to make bricks without straw (Exodus 5:1-21 NIV).
Was Moses steamed? You bet. Did he tell God about it? Listen to his words: “O Lord, why have you brought trouble upon this people? Is this why you sent me? Ever since I went to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has brought trouble upon this people, and you have not rescued your people at all” (Exodus 5:22-23 NIV). We might think this is blasphemy or back talk. The amazing thing is that God doesn’t seem to mind. There is no hint that He is displeased with Moses.
If you are angry with God, try bringing your anger straight to Him. Tell him you are angry with Him and why. Christians often talk about having a personal relationship with God. When Moses took his complaint to the Lord, I believe it showed the depth of their relationship. The same is true for us when we open our hearts to God, even if it is sometimes in anger. Don’t hold back! God can take it; you won’t hurt Him.
If you find that you simply can’t open up to God for a while, find others who will pray for you. Prayer is like oxygen; we can’t survive spiritually for long without it.
Unfortunately, most of us who travel on the road of infertility will come face to face with Anger at some point on our journey. This emotion, if handled wisely, can ultimately strengthen our relationship with others and with our God. If not handled well, anger can add significantly to the stress and strain of infertility and lead to brokenness. My prayer is that you will handle this dangerous emotion wisely!
(Part of this article has been adapted from When the Cradle is Empty: Answering Tough Questions About Infertility, published by Focus on the Family and Tyndale Publishing House, April 2004)
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