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Lori and Terry Schoppe
After three years of infertility testing and
treatments, the harsh reality of never having
children was now very clear. We were left
with one simple but profound question:
"Now what?"
Adoption had often entered our minds, but it had always been a fleeting thought - none that quickly evaporated with the realities of adoption expenses and uncertainty about our own readiness to adopt. Now, in order to begin our family, it seemed that adoption was our best option. "Where do we start? Whom do we contact?" A multitude of questions popped into our minds.
Shortly thereafter, we learned about an infertility/adoption conference to be held nearby and sponsored by Bethany Christian Services, an organization I was familiar with through my work as an OB/GYN nurse at a clinic. The conference seemed to be the logical place to start our adoption journey. We also thought that perhaps we could help others in their battle with infertility.
The conference proved to be very informative about both infertility and adoption. A panel discussion featured the birthfamily and adoptive family of a child adopted through Bethany. It was obvious that the families were both very happy with their choice of open adoption. We thought, What a wonderful thing - for them.
We came away, however, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that "open adoption" was not for us. Our adopted child was going to be our child. We did not want to share our child with anyone except our immediate families. A totally confidential (closed) adoption seemed best to us.
International adoption seemed the best way to ensure a confidential adoption. But as we began to explore the international adoption option, we found - much to our surprise - that it would cost more than anticipated. We decided to wait another year, and we began saving every penny we could. It was then April 1998.
In May 1998, a co-worker at the clinic approached me and changed my life forever. She said, "There is a woman in my office right now who has a pregnant sister who is considering adoption. I told her that you might be interested. Would you like to talk with her?"
I was taken aback. After catching my breath, I heard myself answer, "Sure." My husband happened to stop by my workplace and was also able to meet the young woman whose sister was pregnant. She was a very pleasant young lady and told us her sister was now eight months along and had just decided to release her baby for adoption. We had barely begun the conversation, when the grandmother of the expected baby showed up too. Soon, all four of us were talking.
I felt an instant bond with this family, and before I knew it I was pouring out our story of infertility and failed attempts at pregnancy. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I felt silly for being so emotional in front of people I did not even know. The grandmother then began to cry, and she told us of the heartbreak of learning about her daughter's pregnancy. She also shared how difficult it had been to think about "giving up" her first grandchild. Before long, we were both crying and trying to console each other! After calming down, we gave them our phone number, and I hugged the grandmother goodbye.
The weekend passed and Monday arrived. When we came home from work, there was a message on our answering machine from the grandmother - her daughter and the father of the baby would like to meet us! Praise the Lord!
Apprehension! Fear! Excitement! Anticipation! All of these emotions ran through my soul. I think the Lord's hand must have come to tie my feet down - otherwise I would have been floating off the ground!
We had two meetings with the birthparents and the maternal birthgrandmother at a local restaurant. I'm not sure who was more nervous - they or we. My husband and I were shaking inside, and the poor birthfather drank at least two pots of coffee.
During Memorial Day weekend in 1998, the family asked if we could meet with them again - a decision had been made. We were never so anxious in all our lives! After some small talk, we learned they had chosen us as the adoptive parents!
Heavenly Father, if this is a dream don't wake me! I prayed in silence as the conversation continued. The birthfather had one request: "Could I see my daughter once every year or so?"
Oh no, I silently cringed, Now what? Do we lose this baby as soon as we seemingly have gotten her?
We had to be truthful with him. Instinctively, we knew the Lord would never honor this adoption if we lied. We told him, "No. We cannot allow you to visit. If that is what you insist on, we are not the right couple for your baby." Nothing was ever so difficult to say in all our lives.
Amazingly, they still wanted us to be the adoptive parents; to say we were relieved is an understatement! We now had three weeks to prepare to be parents!
On June 24, 1998 our baby was born, a little girl with a crooked nose, delivered by cesarean section. Our little angel was finally here! We can never explain the feelings of joy and excitement we experienced.
After she was born, we spent 72 hours in a hospitality room at the hospital. Our friends told us that they would have wanted to get the baby as far away from the birthmom and dad as possible as soon as possible, but we found those 72 hours to be the most amazing of our lives.
During that time, we shared not only a baby with the birthfamily, but a lot of "talk time." We came to know them in all their hopes and struggles, and we keenly felt the sadness and loss they were experiencing as they said goodbye to "our baby."
We came to realize that a terrible empty place would be left in their hearts forever after leaving the hospital. We knew firsthand this empty feeling. For we had gone through those same feelings many times as we experienced the loss of potential pregnancies during our long journey through infertility.
In our hearts we both knew that this was not a feeling we wanted for other people, especially if we could do something about it. My husband said it best when the birthfamily was preparing to leave the hospital without the baby. As we all cried and hugged, and said goodbye, he said, "This isnŐt goodbye," he said, "it's see you later."
Our oldest daughter is now two years old, and we continue to see the birthfamily on a regular basis. We get together at Christmas and at our daughter's birthday celebration in June, and at other times too.
We don't know if open adoption is for you. We certainly were closed-minded to that option. But it is clear that our glorious Creator, in His wisdom and grace, not only changed our minds, but also our hearts. And that has
made all the difference.
Lori and Terry have set up an e-mail address, and they encourage couples to contact them at: schoptalk@aol.com.
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