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We have all heard of the John Gray book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, which describes the differences between men and women. For example, women are detailed oriented, and men usually are not. A woman can describe in detail the clothes the minister was wearing on a Sunday morning, including the color of his tie, while her husband might shake his head and say, "I think he was wearing some sort of gray suit, but I’m not sure." Other differences abound: If men are giving directions, they tend to think in terms of miles. Women think in terms of landmarks. If men are watching a football game, they are probably interested in the action on the field. Women, on the other hand, can watch the same game and be much more interested in knowing: "What’s the name of the quarterback?" "Where is he from?" "Does he have a family?"
The same differences apply to infertility and pregnancy loss: MEN are afraid that if they can’t produce children, they are somehow less manly. WOMEN with infertility feel that somehow a part of them is missing or gone. In a manner similar to women who face a mastectomy, women who experience infertility do not feel whole.
During infertility procedures, with continual letdowns and setbacks, MEN grieve differently than women. MEN often don’t cry or share their feelings with others. They may go outside and mow the lawn or take a long walk, or even play a game of racquetball or tennis. WOMEN may cry or talk about their feelings.
Problems begin when WOMEN become upset with their husbands because their husbands do not seem to be getting upset or grieving. That makes women think their husbands either don’t care or are emotionless. MEN, on the other hand, think that women who are crying or talking about their feelings are becoming too depressed and obsessed.
The better we know our spouses as MEN or WOMEN and how they are "built," the better we can communicate. If your husband says to you, "I need to take a walk and get some air" then take comfort that he is dealing with his emotions in his own way. If your wife starts to cry, don’t panic! Just hold her and tell her that you will always be there for her. Crying is a woman’s emotional release valve.
If you aren’t sure how your spouse is handling the frustration, ask. A great deal of miscommunication occurs because one spouse assumes that he or she knows how the other is feeling. Don’t make assumptions. Ask.
Be very careful before giving advice, because your spouse may resent it. However, if the timing is right, carefully ask him or her what he or she is doing to help relieve the stress, especially if you are not aware of what that may be. If your partner is open to suggestions, gently encourage him or her to start an exercise program, talk to a
pastor, or call a close friend.
MEN and WOMEN are different! God made us that way. Our differences can be a source of strength as husbands and wives learn to lean on each other, comfort each other, and communicate with each other. It makes a difficult
situation a little easier to handle.
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