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Tammy Anderson
 So many times we think that the only "happy ending" to an infertile couple's struggle comes when God blesses them with a child. But what about the couple for whom God has a different plan - a plan in which the couple remains a family of two? Is this couple any "less blessed" or unfulfilled? Being a family of two after years of infertility can be a fulfilling life that honors God, and a life that He desires for some couples.
Several months have passed since my husband and I reached the three-year mark in our struggle with infertility. We now feel that God is leading us to be a family of two, which is not second or third best, but may be THE best that God as in mind for us.
In their book, Sweet Grapes: How to Stop Being Infertile and Start Living Again, Jean and Michael Carter describe living without children. That is where we find ourselves. We sense that God wants us to embrace such a life, though it has not been easy. We've grieved our losses and faced important issues along the way.
The two biggest losses for us are not ever knowing our child and not knowing the kind of parents we might have been. Also, we find it difficult to be faced with numerous friends and relatives who are raising children. Like most people, we are drawn to those with whom we share common interests and experiences. It takes special effort for us to maintain relationships with friends and family who are parents.
As we look seriously at living positively without children, one of the issues I dealt with was appearing selfish. After all, living without children gives us more time, money, and freedom to enjoy ourselves and each other; things couples sacrifice when they have a child. I wanted to be sure that I was not leaning toward a life without children because of the sacrifices involved in having children. I brought this to God and asked Him to show me my heart. I now have a peace about the direction we are taking. I see that while there are advantages to being without children, these advantages are not the reasons for our choice.
I also have been concerned about the guilt of not trying harder to have a child, whether through adoption or more medical treatment. I have felt guilty because my desire to be a mom has not been so strong that I would go to greater lengths to have a child. I have allowed myself to think that if I really had the maternal instinct I was supposed to have, my husband and I would have been more aggressive. I now realize that I need to focus on what God wants for us and what He thinks is best for us, not what we, the doctors, our friends, or family think is best.
There are times when I struggle, thinking that the world around us does not see us as a "real" family. I am learning, though, to be less concerned about what the world thinks. (Believe me, this is a stretch for me!) I am focusing more and more on who I am in Christ and how He sees me. He loves and values me whether I am a mom or not.
A few weeks ago I was at a church gathering and Terri, a single woman without kids, was holding and caring for Jake, a child of one of her friends who goes to our church. As Terri held Jake, I thought about the kind of "aunt" that Terri will be to Jake. Due to distance and family responsibilities of their own, Jake's biological aunts are not able to be with him very often. Terri can love Jake in a special way and will be there when others cannot. Terri will likely be a significant person in Jake's life and have a place in his heart.
I believe that through observing Terri with Jake, God showed me how I can be available to others in ways that I would not be available if I had kids, perhaps as an aunt or a cherished friend. God has shown me what a blessing my life is, and that my husband and I can have a "happy ending" to our infertility, with or without a child.
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