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The Day I Turned Back
Just because I am a Christian does not mean
I am immune from feeling immense sorrow.
Today was one of the most burdensome days of my three and a half years with infertility. I was to attend my cousin's baby shower, at a location approximately two and a half hours away. I left immediately after church in order to arrive on time for the shower. About fifteen minutes into the trip, I realized I was truly dreading this shower.
What was I dreading? I was genuinely thrilled for my cousin. I honestly could not wait to meet the new baby and be a part of his life. So much potential in such a little body. Yet, I still feared this shower.
When I gave it more though, I realized why it was going to hurt. My entire family would there oohing and aahing over cute baby items, joking about the burdens of pregnancy, and sharing their parental joy. This was my dream. It was this dream that I was looking forward to my entire life - sharing the pregnancy bond and parenting experiences with my family. But now, I was to witness this dream being lived by someone else. I was going to be a mere observer of my own dream.
My heart sank, I felt nauseated, and tears clouded my vision. I pulled off to the side of the road and I decided to turn back. Back to my husband's arms... back to where I knew I could show emotion without feeling weak or embarrassed. I realized that my pain was not simply going to occur at the shower - it was surrounding me. By attending the shower, I was actually trying to avoid the very thing I could not escape.
That decision to turn back was crucial. It was the moment when I first recognized that no matter how much you trust the Lord, the blows of life still hurt. Just because I am a Christian does not mean I am immune from feeling immense sorrow. Though our pain can be great, Christ has provided us with the grace to face our struggles. I have learned that grace can give us joy in the midst of our infertility. But grace, as spectacular as it is, does not stop life from hurting. Grace does, however, provide the hope needed to get through the pain.
My decision to turn the car around was not one of cowardice. It was the bravest decision I have ever made with respect to my infertility. The action of turning back meant I could no longer run away from the pain - I had to acknowledge its presence and face it.
Today I turned back and found joy in Christ, as I faced the pain of life head on.
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