Living Positively Without Children
by John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter
Most infertile couples is to give birth to a baby. Thankfully, sometimes by surprise and sometimes by means of modern medical advances, God grants the desire of many infertile couples to have a baby. For most couples who are unable to become biological parents, adopting a child becomes a wonderful privilege. There are a significant number of couples, however, who fail to achieve a successful pregnancy even though they have utilized state-of-the-art medical assistance. Adoption, while an excellent path for many, may not be the road on which every couple is led to travel. Can there be contentment for couples without children? Can families of two find fulfillment? We believe the answer is "Yes!"
Over the years, we have had numerous letters from readers who have told us how they are living positively without children. We have learned a lot! We would like to share what we have learned with you:
Making the decision to live positively without children is never easy! Most couples who write us speak about agonizing over the decision to remain without children. Karen, a Stepping Stones reader writes, "Because finances dictate so much of our lives in today's society, we are unable to proceed further with any options that have expenses associated with them. Therefore, we have come to realize that we will live a life without children. Every day I still question WHY God has chosen this path for my husband and me. It's a question I'm sure we'll never know the answer to. But the one thing that has comforted me is the thought that we all must bear some kind of burden in our lifetime, and if this is the burden I must bear, then I will. I will because, even though I am not blessed with children, God has blessed me in so many other wonderful ways, and He will bless me in my life without children as well." ;
There is nothing immoral in choosing to live positively while childless! If you are not able to have children biologically and you do not sense the Lord leading you toward adoption, please remember: there is nothing wrong with an infertile couple remaining a family of two.
Be prepared, however! There will be those who will say to you, "You can't give up trying to get pregnant. I'm sure there must be something more your doctor can do!" Do not permit anyone to make you feel guilty because you do not have children. Resist the influence of others who urge you to continue medical treatment long after you and your spouse have reached your financial or psychological limits. Do not be pressured by others to achieve a pregnancy by an assisted reproductive technology that is objectionable to you.
Others may say to you, "I can't imagine living in a big home like you have and not filling it with children. Why don't you just adopt?" As adoptive parents ourselves, we believe that adoption is a wonderful choice. We believe it was God's plan for us to begin our family through adoption. But adoption is not for everyone. It is a calling from God. Please do not adopt a child just because others think that's what you should do. Nor should you ever adopt a child out of guilt because you think it is somehow your burden in life to provide a home for children, whether you want to or not. Adopting for such reasons is neither fair to the child, nor to yourselves!
Contrary to popular opinion, God has never indicated that children are a necessary prerequisite for happiness or fulfillment in marriage. In the opening pages of Genesis, God declares, "A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh." There is a period at the end of that sentence! A Christian husband and wife can find fulfillment in each other and in service to the Lord, with or without children.
A couple without children can develop many avenues for Christian service, which may not be easy for couples with children to pursue. They could " adopt" some disadvantaged or special needs children in their community, such as in the "big brother" or "big sister" programs. Infertile couples could become "children" to older persons who have no children to care for them. We know a childless couple who opens their home to children who come into their community to attend the local school for the deaf. Another couple is involved with a local ministry called "Moses" in which adults take groups of young people on service project trips.
We are not suggesting that a childless couple deny the hurt that being childless may bring. It is never safe or wise to deny real pain and disappointment, but a childless couple must not let the pain dominate. The Christian couple must not allow infertility to rob them of the joy God intended them to have in a relationship with Him and the partner whom He has given. In the following article, Tammy Anderson says it beautifully -- having a child is not the only "happy ending" to the struggle of infertility.
Reprinted from the Stepping Stones newsletter
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