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 FACING SECONDARY INFERTILITY
What to Expect
Jennifer Leck
When I became pregnant with my son, one of the best gifts I received as a first-time mom was a book titled, What to Expect When You’re Expecting. When our son was 18 months old, I was sure I’d get to read the book all over again. I eagerly eyed it on the bookshelf, sometimes taking it down and flipping through the pages to remind myself of the wonderful nine months ahead of me.
Four years later, that wonderful resource still sits on the shelf. The book I actually needed for the past four years hasn’t been written yet. If it had, it would have been called What to Expect When You’re Facing Secondary Infertility. I certainly can’t write the whole volume yet because I am still living the story. But the four years of struggle have given me an idea about how the book may start . . .
I’m having trouble getting pregnant, but I’ve already had one child. This can’t be infertility, can it?
Yes. Though most women who have had one pregnancy dismiss the possibility of secondary infertility, it does happen in surprisingly high numbers. When you realize that the stress from being unable to conceive is affecting your emotional well-being, it is time to be honest with yourselfčthere could be a fertility problem.
Your first step will be to gather the best medical information available and to select an infertility specialist. The most qualified physicians in the field of infertility are board-certified reproductive endocrinologists. To find a physician in your area, call RESOLVE, a national infertility organization, which helps with physician referral (617-623-1156). It is also imperative that you gather information that will provide emotional and spiritual support. The best information I received came from a recent Stepping Stones which described infertility as a “journey.” It was helpful for me to know that there are distinct emotional stages on the path to resolution, including: denial, isolation, guilt, and grieving. Just because you have a child, does not mean that you are exempt from these feelings!
Why am I so devastated? I have one child. I feel like he should be enough. I feel guilty that I am so sad.
You are experiencing the loss of a significant dream, perhaps the greatest dream of your life! In my case, instead of feeling guilty that my son isn’t enough to stop my pain, I cherish him as part of God’s balm for my wounds. His life reminds me of God’s faithfulness, plan, and control in my life.
My friends and family don’t understand what I’m going through. I feel so alone.
First, remind yourself that God cares. Read and reread Hannah’s story in 1 Samuel. Is this a woman experiencing grief? You bet. In fact, so great was her grief that Eli thought she was drunk! There have been times when I’ve felt drunk with grief. Jesus knows your pain and He does not dismiss it because you already have a child. He knows that you are somewhere between couples with the heartache of primary infertility and those with the family of their dreams. Friends and family who have never experien-ced infertility will only be able to offer incomplete comfort. In Jesus you can find the complete comfort you seek.
Will I ever heal?
When you pray, remember to pray for a friend who is also experiencing secondary infertility. I met Heather at a Stepping Stones conference last year, and we became friends almost immediately. Although we live 600 miles apart, we encourage each other and share our feelings through letters, phone calls, and visits. Heather’s husband has been a blessing for my husband, as well. My friendship with Heather has brought most of my healing. It was all part of God’s plan.
I encourage you to contact Stepping Stones (step@bethany.org) or Hannah to Hannah (www.hannah.org). Both organizations will link you with a pen pal who knows what you are feeling. Hannah To Hannah even has an e-mail network specifically for those with secondary infertility. Begin to pray now for your friend, and that you may find healing through your friendship.
What do I say to friends, family, and even strangers who ask about our family plans?
You need a planned answer. First, you and your husband need to sit down and decide what you want others to know, based on your comfort level. Do you want people to know you are struggling with infertility? Do you want to be able
to share your faith? My husband and I decided to share both, so we say, “We don’t seem to be able to have any more children, but we trust God’s plan for our family.” When you decide what you are going to say, practice saying it out loud so that you are prepared when people ask.
What do I say to my child who wants a sibling so badly?
Listen to your child and share your child’s sadness. Use this opportunity to explain that life isn’t always fair, but God is in control and God is good. He promises to do what is best for us.
I’m so mad. I don’t even think I can pray about this anymore.
Then don’t . . . pray about this, that is. But do pray! One of the most helpful moments was when a friend from church asked if she could carry my infertility burden in prayer for a month or two. That way I could concentrate on praising God. What a relief! Once again I could concentrate on God’s goodness, on strengthening my faith, and on renewing my relationship with God. My friend was blessed too. She had finally found a way to ease my pain. Pray that God will show you the person who can carry your burden in prayer.
How will I know what God wants me to do? Should I seek treatment, should I wait, should I adopt? There are so many decisions to make. Help!
God’s plans for you and your family are unique. They are not going to be the same as His plans for anyone else. For example, don’t think that what your friends decided to do next is the logical next step for you. Ask God to help you examine all your options. Do not make a decision without experiencing the Lord’s peace. Your answer may be to wait. If so, use that time to deepen your relationship with God and involve yourself in activities that will honor Him.
Will I get used to having only one child?
Perhaps. Perhaps not. I often think I’m okay with God’s plan for my life, and then something will trigger the tears again (for me, it’s tiny newborn socks). Remember, infertility is a journey, not a quick trip. God promises that He will complete our lives in ways we can’t imagine. When you despair, remember our Savior sees the whole picture and loves us beyond measure. He promises “. . . that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 NIV
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